Good Grief!

Today is January 21, 2017. Yesterday,  Donald Trump became America’s 45th president and today there were a series of worldwide protests which were awe-inspiring to watch.  With my DH passed out fighting the man-cold of the century, I have time to reflect on the events of last 2 days and how this affect me as a Canadian, as a woman and as a fertility patient.

I should start off first with a preamble; I’m a huge fan of Hillary Clinton. I saw her speak in back in 2013; we knew at the end of that talk that she’d run again for president although she didn’t directly admit it. Email servers aside, she’s a super smart trailblazer whose contributions to American society are only beginning to be realized now. I should also make a point in stating that I try never to miss an inauguration of a new president, regardless of political affiliation.

Watching Hillary put on a happy face throughout that inauguration swung my empathy button into overdrive.  Seeing her painfully smile though the day (her pained eyes telling a completely different story) was something I could relate to.  I have had to do the same at many baby showers, family events and pregnancy announcements over the years knowing that someone else was getting what I wanted and somehow I am still empty handed. Sometimes we just have to grin and bear it; sometimes it isn’t about us and what we want.  It’s nice when someone checks in on you to ensure you are hanging in there.  It doesn’t always happen, though, so I don’t have the expectation.

I have spent many years learning how to separate my feelings of love and appreciation of others from the feelings of sadness I’ve accounted to myself.  The first; detach your sense of failure from your journey.  If your journey isn’t over  yet, then you haven’t technically failed. If you made the choice to stop, that is your choice to own.  There are so many options out there; egg donation, adoption, surrogacy, etc.  With crowdfunding, loans and in our case, government funding, money should only be a secondary consideration.  Resourcefulness should get you what you want. The second, and most important, sometimes today isn’t about you – it’s about someone else’s joy or something else bigger than all of us. Some people are better than others at being selfless.

The other point that drove home to me yesterday is that women in particular, especially during times of grief, will attach calendar dates to significant milestones that they may not have achieved.  If you or a female friend has ever experienced loss, significant days like Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays can be “bad days.”  In Hillary’s case, yesterday may likely have been a huge milestone day in the process of her grief.  These days are hard to prepare for; my miscarriage taught me that.

It was the only time I had ever achieved pregnancy to date; a blighted ovum; a sac with no baby inside. It took over 4 years to see that positive test, so to lose it was devastating, even if we knew from the onset that the viability was in question.  I spent many months mourning the loss of an opportunity to be a mother; not necessarily the loss of life itself. April 5th was a milestone day for me. It was my expected due date.

Nevertheless, Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief. (Thank you Lin Manuel Miranda.)

As April 5th grew closer, I knew I needed to take action to prepare myself for the inevitable.  We decided to book a trip to Cuba for that week so I wouldn’t be near anything that remotely resembles every day life, (and the mojito bar by the beach wasn’t bad either!)

The morning of April 5th, I dreaded getting up in the morning, although it was a beautiful day.  We threw our towels on the pool chairs to reserve them for the day, had some breakfast and then headed back to the pool.  This was our usual morning routine in Cuba. There weren’t many people at the pool yet.  The bar opened at 10 and it was just after 9:30.  I had my sunglasses on and waded in the pool; trying not to let my thoughts consume me.  Why am I here?  Why am I not grossly uncomfortable, barefoot on the tiles of my kitchen, struggling off the toilet or getting an epidural? I should be delivering a baby, not walking though a pool. Eventually the tears started to roll down as my husband worked on his morning tan and the pool activity staff began setting up for the day.  I cried subtly for about 2 minutes.  I hid it well; walked away from anyone who could see me, and thank god for those sunglasses!  I wet my face with pool water and then a thought came by me; it’s over.  I took a deep breath. The 7 months of grieving every stage of pregnancy that I didn’t experience was done. I accepted the fact that a lost opportunity to be a mother wasn’t my last.  It was time to move on.  And eventually I did.  I could only imagine that at noon when Donald Trump took that oath of office, that Hillary’s mind may have been in the same place as mine.

Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief is Grief.

Whether you’re mourning the loss of an opportunity to be a mother or the loss of a presidential election, you still have a process to go through. There’s no time limit on this; only an obligation to commit to it, for the sake of your mental health.  I still have bad days; it’s how I deal with them that matter. I try not to mark milestones anymore in my mind; that’s a conscious effort. I hope Hillary realized that once she heard the words “so help me god” that it was OK to give herself permission to move on. I also hope that she has the right support system around her; it helps a lot.

I spent much of the day today flipping between channels to see the footage of protests around the world.  Thousands of people were chanting her mantra all over the streets of the world today, and even in Antarctica (my favourite protest sign reads “Penguins for peace.”) I found this movement quite fascinating, as I did the protests after the election in November.  I really hope that the same energy is put into action.

I believe that Hillary knows that her legacy is just starting to cement itself in America. That should bring her some solace. We also need a new Katniss Everdeen or Princess Leia to carry it on.  Hopefully in the emerging years we will get to know and love her too.

And though despair, something magical also happened on April 5th. Later that morning, we stumbled upon a nice family at the resort and I made a great friend that day.  Thankfully Facebook allows us to keep in touch.  The rest of the week in Cuba was a blast!  Life is all about silver linings.  Find them everywhere you go.

My Moment of Zen for today – be grateful.  I’m grateful to live in a country where we don’t pay out of pocket for health care. I also have a great pharmacy insurance plan through work, which makes my fertility journey much easier.  Our provincial government has a new IVF coverage plan for the fees for one cycle (including FETs), which I have utilized for the last 6 months or so.  I have 3 years to relish in the fact that we have a left-wing federal government that recognizes human rights at home.  I have family and friends who support me and are my cheerleaders.  As I prepare for my next FET (date TBD), I’m thinking as many happy thoughts as I can.

We have a bite!

Original Publish Date: February 21, 2017

A longer, but more worthwhile update:

2ww

The 2 week wait was reasonably painful for the first 5 days, (see previous blog entry) .  Lots of nerves and cramps. Mostly impatience.  On day 6 I was at a friend’s place for lunch and took a trip to the washroom before heading out. I discovered a little light pink blood in my pad. One time shot. So, for those who have been around the block, you know where this is going. 

Implantation bleeding doesn’t happen with everyone; one in 3 I believe. I was shocked to say the least, mainly because my previous experience didn’t have any bleeding. I conferred with my friend and confirmed the shade was within range and I was a bit crampy for the afternoon. 

Initially I felt the timeline was a bit late for implantation bleeding. The online community had enough testimony to confirm that the timeline was in range so I simmered down. There was some literature around cervical irritation from the progesterone suppositories as a possible alternative but since it was a one time thing, I ruled that out. 

Impatience 

For the next week my symptoms were light. I tried going back to work after being on leave for a few weeks with vertigo. The first two days were ok but my third day in my vertigo kicked in again and I couldn’t walk. So back on leave I went.  

I took the beta on the prescribed day; since my walking was limited I went to a local clinic and waited until the evening for the results to be posted online. I was checking on my phone. I had logged in a few hours earlier but the results were pending. This time when I logged in there was a red flag on the listing. I clicked in and, because it was a mobile phone, I could only see the normal range listed. When I zoomed in to see the number in bold, I freaked! Not only was it positive, but the beta was high – 598 @ 14dpt!  

I had a “shout it from the rooftop” moment. I knew I had to do something but my DH was downstairs on a call and my disjointed walking wasn’t going to expedite the situation. So I started shouting repeatedly and DH had to mute his work phone call to ran upstairs in order to hear what I was saying. He kept saying “what? What?” because he couldn’t hear me. (For the record, the acoustics in our 100+ year home are less than favourable.) By the time it registered his reaction was “seriously?” I was fighting a cold so it was a “high five” moment. 

Oh, Technology!

The irony of this lab’s online system is that patients can receive their results before their doctor because the doctor’s are sent the results for the following day. So I had the distinct privilege of letting my doctor know that it was positive. The reaction (which I cannot replicate online) was priceless. 

But there’s a Butt 

My progesterone, however, was low while on the suppositories so I had to switch to PIO (Progesterone in Oil). 

Ina nutshell, PIO shots are not comfortable; the needle is about 2 inches long and injections are administered at the high end of the rear. The oil is injected into the muscle. And because I can’t see my backside, DH has to do it for me. 

(Note: Not my butt!)

This has been a true test of our patience. DH is not comfortable with medical visits so stabbing my backside with a needle every day for 2 months was going to be a challenge. We went for a teaching at the clinic and both of us had freak out moments. The nurse did my first injection while DH was coached. DH did the second shot at home the next day. He was afraid to hurt me. By Day 3 he was feeling better about it. I’m sure by next week he will be a pro! 

One Day at a Time 

Betas 2 and 3 have been equally promising as both numbers have doubled.  Beta 4 is tomorrow and ultrasound will likely be scheduled for sometime next week. 

This is utterly surreal. Some moments I am so excited. Other moments I get tense. I have a much better feeling about this and I’m very impatiently waiting until Week 13. So far , I haven’t had too many debilitating symptoms but the fatigue is kicking in. 

I am taking things a day at a time. Compared to my last experience, where my numbers were low and I eventually miscarried, this is a much better experience. This clinic is far more accommodating and supportive, and more importantly, honest. We were really hesitant about the PIO but they let us know why we needed it. I wasn’t completely sold but they said to give it a few days and when the progesterone numbers came in, we were convinced. 

That’s a lot of density for one day. Until next time! 

Bushy Rodents and Sticky Embryos

Original Publish Date – Feb 7, 2017

We completed transfer #3 on Thursday, Feb 2nd – And no, there were no bushy rodents found in my snatch!  That puts me at 5 days post transfer for today.

The clinic had 5 transfers booked for that day and we were last on the list.  We arrived on time but the clinic was running a bit behind schedule.  I managed to drink my water on time and my bladder was filling up fast, as was my patience.  I couldn’t even sit on the patient’s chair because I was afraid I’d lose my bladder.  I just paced and paced and paced.

I never got a chance to get a photo of our embryo at our last transfer so I asked 3 different people if the message could be relayed to the embryology department and got a bit of mixed messages and run-around.

We finally got called in and I got set up on the bed.  By the time my doctor finally went to ask for the photo they tell me they can’t get a good image.  I said I’d take whatever I can get.  It looks really dark and like it was printed on a dot matrix printer, but I’ll take it! I managed to enhance and lighten the photo slightly so you’ll get the idea. We aren’t told the gender as it’s seen as unethical in Canada to select embryos based on sex.

I did give the clinic feedback that getting a decent photo and a consult from embryology prior to transfer should be standard.

My husband was kind enough to take a video of the transfer, (the ultrasound screen, not the snatch.)  The transfer itself went seamlessly until they put the catheter back under the microscope to see if the embryo had transferred.  It didn’t!  Sticky little sucker! So they had to do it again.  Thankfully second time was a charm and hopefully we can edit the video and post it up here in the near future.

I had to Uber it home because my husband had a work meeting he couldn’t miss.  I love Uber.  It’s great!  Really cushy way to get home after a transfer, and I can guarantee it’s not nearly as creepy as an encounter with Golum.

I chilled out that afternoon and watched Groundhog day, as it was on a 24 hour loop on Showcase.  I hadn’t seen the movie in years but it’s really funny!  Definitely more fun watching a classic Bill Murray movie than daytime talk shows, though inevitably I couldn’t avoid those either.

(Wiarton Willie, Canada’s meteorologist on February 2nd)

I haven’t really felt much of anything other than some side effects from the progesterone.  My nurse reassured me today that many people feel nothing and become pregnant, so I’m going with it. Still got over a week before Beta testing so I’ve got lots of distracting to do.

That’s all for now.  Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.